Just A Christmas Kiss
by LittleLizzieZentara
Summary: Kate and Castle shared a kiss at a Christmas party months before they met, but only Kate is aware of that fact. How is this going to change things for Caskett? Or will it? A belated Christmas present for Celeste J Evans. Potential spoilers for all episodes.
1. Chapter 1

**I promised Natalie Elizabeth, Celeste J. Evans and beatingoutasamba that I would write each of them a Christmas story. I should have known better than to plan to write four stories (I also signed up for the Secret Santa story exchange that beatingoutasamba put together) in December. Next year, I will start them much earlier. Here is your story, Celeste. When I asked you only said that you wanted a longer story; this one will be at least three chapters and a minimum of 5,000-10,000 words long.**

**Hopefully I'll get the fourth story written soon. That's one of my New Year's resolutions-spending more time writing.**

**Disclaimer: If only…. ;)**

* * *

_December 2008_

"I promise I don't bite."

Kate Beckett froze. She _knew _that voice.

But what would Richard Castle, ultra-rich and wildly popular with the female upper crust of Manhattan, be doing at a Christmas masquerade party that the mayor had decided to throw for the city's fellow public servants? Most of the attendees wouldn't make as much money in their lifetime as he made with one book.

She had to make a decision. Because at that very moment she was standing under the mistletoe with the famous author. Her favorite author. The man who had unknowingly gotten Kate through her mother's death with his written words.

It was an once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. One she had secretly fantasized about off and on for at least a good five years.

_Just pretend he's a colleague, _Kate tried to tell herself.

Like _that _would work. She might as well imagine he was an alien, too. Because that would be as plausible as the idea of Richard Castle working with the NYPD.

Castle-she decided to think of him that way, to put some distance between them, at least in her own mind-lightly touched either side of her jaw with his fingertips. They were lightly callused, something to be expected for a writer. But they were warm. And so gentle, almost tentative.

If he had grabbed her and pulled her to him, she would have pushed him away. If he had started kissing her the second he realized they were under the mistletoe, she would have used her skills as a cop and had him on the floor. And it wouldn't take him long to figure out that it wasn't for fun and games, because her right foot, clad in one of her favorite high heeled boots, would be on his throat. Cliché, but no one pushed her to do anything unless she allowed it.

But he was asking. He was waiting.

He was trailing his fingers up her jaw, skimming them across her cheeks, burying them in her hair.

The hands that had written words that had been her lifeline were now in her hair.

Kate could barely wrap her mind around that.

His blue gaze was calm, steady. Kate knew with that look he was saying, _If you want this, it's up to you. This is as far as I'll go._

She wanted it. But giving into want was weak. Kate was anything but weak.

Although he had no idea who she was. And she would never see him again.

So she was going for it.

Except-

Castle may not know who she was, but there were others at the party who did.

Kate had worked long and hard to get the respect she now had as a cop, as a homicide detective. Normally she didn't care what others thought of her, but it was different with her job. Being a female cop in the nation's biggest city was difficult enough without added heckling over actions that were seen as unprofessional and 'girly.'

So maybe-

Screw it. If she took any longer to decide, that would just make her look indecisive. Not to mention ridiculous.

Her small nod of acceptance as she cupped his elbows in her hands was all he seemed to need.

Thoughts of what others would think all came to a screeching halt when his lips touched hers. In the brief moment before her eyes drifted closed, he remained still, his lips unmoving, merely softly resting against her own.

But then she unintentionally let out a small sound of impatience.

Kate heard his chuckle right before he tilted his head and started caressing her lips with his own. He didn't try to deepen the kiss, didn't try to close the distance between them. He seemed perfectly content with this chaste kiss that made Kate feel like some kind of freaking Disney princess.

It was enough to drive her crazy.

He had promised her he wouldn't bite.

Well then, she would.

Kate parted her lips against his just enough to nip at the right corner of his bottom lip, swiftly sliding her tongue over it to sooth the slight sting.

Castle must have gotten the message because with a groan he put his hands on her hips and pulled her against him as his tongue slipped past her parted lips. The tip of his tongue glided along the roof of her mouth before swooping down to play with hers.

And that's what it felt like. Playing. Kate had never had a kiss before that was so carefree and just downright fun.

Until he broke his promise and his teeth captured her bottom lip and gently bit down. Complaining or pulling away was the furthest thing from Kate's mind. Desire flared. Playtime was over.

In a flash Kate's hands were around his waist. A small moan escaped before she could stop it but she was beyond caring. She needed to feel as much of him as she could for as long as she could.

The whistles and cheers that suddenly broke out reminded her that this wasn't the time or the place.

Kate dropped her hands from his waist and reluctantly, although quickly, broke off the kiss. She was about to push him away from her when she realized that he had already removed his hands from her hair. She reluctantly lifted her gaze to his, bracing herself for the smirk she was sure would be on his lips.

Only she was wrong. There was no smirk, just a slight smile and a dazed look in his eyes.

Clearly Castle was as impacted by the kiss as she was.

Which, come to think of it, was not a good thing.

Kate had to get out of there before she did something stupid.

The Cinderella fairytale-the Disney version; the original version was more fitting for one of her crime scenes than a fairytale-flittered through her mind as she turned and hurried out the door.

At least if he _did_ try to search for her-which she highly doubted-she had one thing in her favor: there was no way either of her tight black boots would slip off of her feet.

* * *

_March 2009_

As soon as she stepped foot in the room Kate knew what she was going to have to do. She doubted that he actually killed Alison Tisdale. She knew from his official fan site that he had a book launch party for his latest Derek Storm novel and chances were good that he was there during the time of death. But the crime scene was too similar to the one in his book, _Flowers For Your Grave_, for her to not bring him in. Especially since this was the second crime scene in recent weeks to be patterned after one of his books.

Kate put off admitting what she knew for as long as she could. Her avid Richard Castle fan status was a closely guarded secret, particularly from anyone at the 12th. She knew she was going to open herself up to a round of teasing once Ryan and Esposito found out. But it couldn't be helped. Embarrassment was a small price to pay for justice.

At least they didn't know about the kiss. Not even Lanie knew about that. She shuddered to think of how much worse things would be if they all knew.

No one argued when Kate said that she would be the one to bring the author in. Hiding her nervousness behind her professional demeanor, Kate made her way through the mob of fans. Flashing her badge was enough to get all but the most aggressive fans to step aside. She had to threaten one with arrest for obstruction of justice before she moved out of the way. Finally she found him, sitting at the bar. Instead of being surrounded by a giggling group of women as she had expected there were only two, neither of whom were giggling. One was obviously still a teenager and the other appeared to be at least a good twenty years older than the late thirties she knew his age to be.

The older woman had left the writer's side by the time she approached.

"Just once, I'd like someone to come up to me and say something new," Kate overheard him say to the teen. As much as she wanted to laugh-she doubted he'd experienced being arrested at one of his own parties before-Kate hid it behind a serious expression and a stern gaze.

"Mr. Castle," she called out, internally bracing herself. If he recognized her she would have to work twice as hard to get him to take her seriously as a cop. She'd read enough articles on page six and watched enough interviews to know that he was used to women falling at his feet. If he thought her actions at that Christmas masquerade party would be repeated here or anywhere any time in the future, he was going to be in for a rude awakening.

"Where would you like it?" Castle asked, turning to face her with a pen in his hand.

The question reminded her of the rumor that he routinely signed women's' chests.

Never going to happen. Not with her.

"Detective Kate Beckett, NYPD." She held up her badge to back up her statement. "We need to ask you a few questions about a murder that took place earlier tonight…."

* * *

**I have the story mapped out in my head, but...if there are any scenes you want me to use (especially Celeste, but this question is for everyone) that you think would work well with this premise, let me know. I can't promise anything because of where I have decided to have this story veer off of the canon timeline (only beatingoutasamba and I know at this point :) ) but I'd love to hear your ideas. Also-Celeste, if this had been any other story but yours, I would have asked you directly-which is the episode where she first pushed him away by putting her hand on his chest and which is the first episode where she poked him like she did in the 'To Love And Die In LA' episode? Do you, or does anyone else, know?**


	2. Chapter 2

**With all of the ideas tumbling around in my head, it was difficult to know which one to work on next. But I finally decided to go with my most recently posted story. I'm planning to finish this story before working on the next chapter for Bachelor Auction. (But I think I have the date figured out, although if anyone wants to give me any ideas, I'd love it). Then The chapter(s) for Teasing Castle and then FINALLY the 'What About Lanie' chapter for 'Pheromone, My Lovely/Detective.' Although my muse doesn't always cooperate...**

**Disclaimer: Nope, still don't own it. Until Kate says 'ILY' to Castle, you can rest assured the show does NOT belong to me.**

* * *

It was over. Kate hadn't been this glad for a case to be closed so quickly in a long time. But it had been no ordinary case. Castle had been there every time she turned around. At least his nine-year-old on a sugar rush attitude had irritated her enough to keep any lingering attraction at bay. Every time-and there had been far more of them than Kate would ever admit to, even to herself-the kiss had popped into her mind, the man had done something to remind her why it could never happen again. He'd started talking to Lanie because he got _lonely_. He walked into a potentially dangerous situation after Kate expressly told him to stay in the car with nothing more than a joke about having never been a scout for an explanation. He didn't take her, or her job, seriously.

But it was over now. The murderer was in holding and Castle was-

Sitting in her chair. Rifling through files on her desk. As if he had every right to be there.

Kate rushed over and snatched the folder out of his hand.

"What are you doing?" she demanded to know.

"It's a novelist habit," he explained, "go through other peoples' mail, check in their medicine cabinets…."

Kate had a feeling it was more of a Richard Castle habit than one that all novelists indulged in. "Why are you still here?"

He rose from the chair and turned to grab something that had been on the desk beside him. "I just came by to give you this," he said, holding out a white box with blue flowers dotted all over it. "Something to memorialize our brief partnership."

As if Kate would ever forget it.

She took the box but simply held it in her hands as she gave him an assessing look. With this man, the item inside could be anything. If it was lingerie, he was going to be in big trouble.

"Don't look so suspicious. Go on, open it."

Knowing she wouldn't get rid of him until she did, Kate took the box from him and took off the lid. Her expression told him in no uncertain terms that she was doing this only to humor him.

But then she looked down and saw that it was a copy of his latest novel. It wasn't even available in stores for another few weeks.

"I got you an advanced copy," he said. "I even signed it to you."

Kate opened the book to the title page where she saw Castle's familiar scrawl. Familiar because of the other signed book she had gotten years ago. Another thing he would never know about.

"Not that you're a fan," Castle deadpanned.

It was difficult for Kate to look away from the words he had written. In the days that he had been following her, it had been easy for her to push to the back of her mind the fact that it was her favorite author that was shadowing her. But holding the book in her hands, seeing the words written by his own hand, woke up her inner fan-girl. There was no better gift he could have gotten her.

"Thanks, that's actually kind of…sweet."

Her voice was steady, hiding the depth of emotion swirling inside her. For a brief moment she wished she was another type of person, one who could adequately express how much this one gesture meant to her.

"Well," he said, and Kate could nothing more than repeat the word. He really had just stopped by to give her the book. Maybe she had misjudged him. "It was nice to have met you, Detective Beckett."

Kate nodded her acknowledgement, wondering at the twinge of disappointment she felt. She wanted him to leave. Things needed to get back to normal, which meant him with his socialites and debutants and her with her paperwork.

But he was leaving. Once he was gone, she would never see him again. Kate knew that the most she could hope for was that he might have a minor character in his next novel that may have a characteristic or two of hers.

This was real life, not some epic love story.

But wait, what was he doing?

Castle leaned towards her, coming closer and closer until his soft lips brushed across her cheek.

Kate's breath caught in her throat.

His lips were so soft, so gentle, against her skin. Just like when he had kissed her under the mistletoe.

Was he telling her that he knew, that he figured it out?

The touch lasted for little more than a second before he pulled back. She wasn't sure what the look in his eyes meant. The look was the most serious one he had ever given her. There was no smirk, no glint of humor, just…what?

Castle broke the contact and started walking away before she could figure it out.

It was then that Kate realized that her pulse was racing and she still faintly felt the press of his lips even though the distance between them grew with every footfall she heard.

He had kissed her.

Her.

Not a passionate kiss, not a romantic kiss, not even on the lips-she would be eternally grateful for that-but it had been a kiss nonetheless.

Why?

She turned, her puzzlement clear in her expression.

Castle wasn't slowing down or turning his head to look at her and give her a clue.

He was acting as if it was it was just another everyday occurrence for him.

Kate turned back toward her desk and set down the box she'd forgotten she was still holding. She sat but was unable to turn her attention back to her work quite yet.

She supposed it made sense. He _was _a rich playboy, after all.

Who probably assumed that she had no interest in him whatsoever.

Kate smiled at how wrong he was. She just had a stronger willpower than most.

She rolled her eyes, slightly shaking her head. As much as he had annoyed her, Castle had certainly kept things interesting. From the time she had interrogated-

Wait a minute.

What file had he been looking at?

During his interrogation he had asked her for copies of the pictures of the crime scene, a request she hadn't taken the least bit seriously.

"He didn't," she thought aloud, only half-believing the words. Not even Castle would go that far, would he?

She took the folder from the top of the stack and opened it, hoping her suspicion was wrong.

"Oh, he did!"

That did it. Favorite author or not, he couldn't be allowed to tamper with evidence.

* * *

_Now_ he was chasing a suspect?

"Castle!" Kate shouted, "no!"

Of course he didn't listen to her.

The man was going to get himself killed.

Kate hadn't even gotten all the way down the stairs when she heard a thud and a soft groan. Relief flooded her when she saw that although Harrison had Castle in his grasp the writer was still alive. But that didn't mean he was uninjured.

"Castle, you okay?"

"Yeah, except this psycho here needs a breath mint."

He was fine.

And once again not taking the situation seriously.

"Harrison, you know what's bugging me?" Castle said. "If you were that deep in debt, why didn't you ask your father for the money?"

She couldn't believe it. A murderer was waving a gun around inches from his body, and Castle was asking for the man's backstory?

"Castle, you are not helping!"

But he didn't stop, spinning a theory, filling in the blanks like it was one of his books.

Kate didn't take her focus from the suspect. The way Castle's mind worked to build a story fascinated her, but now was not the time.

Harrison was getting more and more agitated. Kate knew she might have to shoot him to get them out of this.

"Harrison, let him go," she ordered, giving him one more chance. "It's over."

"It's not over!" Harrison cried. "Drop the gun or I swear to God I-"

Kate curled her finger around the trigger, waiting for a chance to get a clear shot when Castle swung his cuffed wrist. The metal made contact, hitting Harrison in the forehead.

"Tell me you saw that!" Castle cried excitedly as the other man fell to the ground.

Kate watched for a moment as Castle hopped around after stepping on a sharp piece of debris. She then went over and knelt next to the unconscious man.

"You're going to put that in your report, right?" Castle wanted to know.

She didn't bother to answer, merely asked for her handcuffs back. Once she had the cuffs securely around the suspect's wrists, she turned back to Castle.

Unable to control the impulse, Kate placed her open palms against Castle's chest and shoved. Immediately she regretted it. Not because he got hurt; no matter how mad he made her she would never physically injure him. But now she knew how muscular his chest was and her treacherous hands were tingling from the brief contact.

She was glad that having Castle shadow her on a case was only a one- time thing.

Otherwise her attraction to him could become a serious problem.

* * *

**I thought about putting the next scene in this chapter since we'll still be in season one (and that's all the 'spoilers' I'm giving :) ) but I felt this was the perfect ending. And it made it so I could post it tonight.**


	3. Chapter 3

**So it's only been a week since I posted the las tchapter, right? :) And if things work out right, I MAY post another chapter tonight or tomorrow. Because it's not even 3:00pm and I think I should be able to get another chapter done. Maybe even TWO! Three in one day, wouldn't that be awesome? But for now I'll try to get one more done. And maybe since it's a Castle-less Monday tomorrow, I'll write another chapter. I'm so excited about this story I just want to have it all written and posted ASAP. And I'm just in a writing mood.**

**Disclaimer: If I had, this story would be cannon. But who knows? Maybe she did secretly feel this way...but even if she did, I still don't own it. **

* * *

"All right, so you and I are married."

Kate had her defenses up against any sexual innuendo Castle might make. She had learned early on that the best way to deal with him was to give as good as she got, to never let him have the upper hand. Any time he rattled her had to be carefully concealed and turned around so that he was the one left speechless. But somehow those words, spoken so casually by her writer shadow, slipped past her carefully constructed walls.

What would it like, being married to Castle?

From the very beginning, he had freely given her insight into his passionate nature. What would it be like to have all of that passion focused on her?

And her. She had kept her own desires under lock and key for years. Once she set them free, would she be able to reign them back in after things ended?

The sick feeling in her gut was enough to slam the door on that line of thinking. She was a 'one and done' type when it came to marriage for a reason.

"We are not married," she snapped.

"Relax, it's just pretend."

Of course it was easy for him. He made things up for a living. And he'd been through the real deal before. Twice.

Did he ever take _anything _seriously?

Kate knew she wasn't being entirely fair. But she couldn't let him get to her more than he already had.

"I don't want to pretend."

"Scared you'll like it?"

Yes. As much as she would hate when it ended.

But there it was. The sexual innuendo, the flirting, the banter. This, Kate knew how to handle.

"Okay, if we're married, I want a divorce."

Kate inwardly flinched at the words coming out of her mouth. Divorce was not something she liked to joke about. But it wasn't a real marriage, so it wasn't a real divorce.

Still….

"Are you two like this all the time?"

This was all Castle's fault. Kate spared a brief glance for the man who had asked the question, an average middle-aged man with a receding hairline and glasses who owned the apartment that years ago had been a crime scene. Castle's idea to go to the apartment and retrace the killer's steps to figure out how he gotten away with the crime had been a good one. But he had taken it too far.

"Yes," she and Castle replied in unison.

She was relieved when Castle said, "All right, we're not married. But they were."

Once again she had the upper hand.

She just had to make sure it stayed that way.

* * *

Kate knew she was in trouble. She had unwittingly given Castle the upper hand. He _had _just saved her life; she couldn't deny that. But the words "that means you owe me" alerted her to the danger. Not that she had to give in. Just because she was grateful to him didn't mean-

"Owe you what?" Her expression was properly indigent, her voice steady with just the right amount of skepticism.

"Whatever I want."

Castle's eyes had a gleam in them Kate was sure she hadn't seen before. A tiger stalking its prey. A man determined to get what he wanted, sure of his success.

What he seemed to have forgotten was that she was the one who was a tiger. She was the one who hunted, who stalked her prey until just the right time to take them down.

His success was anything but guaranteed.

And yet it wasn't really him she would be fighting.

She would be fighting herself.

"And you know-"

His voice deepened as he slowly, step by carefully measured step, made his way towards her.

"-exactly what I want-"

It wasn't what _he_ wanted that worried her.

"-don't you?"

He stopped for a brief moment before continuing his advance. Kate forced herself to stand her ground; backing away would be a sign of weakness.

She couldn't be weak. She was a cop. She was a New Yorker. She was-

"You know what I really, really, want you to do."

She was doomed.

His face was mere inches from hers now, his eyes intent on her mouth. He was so close she could feel his breath against her lips. A phantom press of his lips against hers, only a memory but strong enough to feel almost real, caused her to go motionless as he leaned ever closer.

He moved past her lips towards her ear. She braced herself for the feeling of his teeth on her earlobe or maybe on the sensitive part of her neck right behind her ear.

"Never-"

Never? Never what?

"Ever-"

Never ever? Just how much did he think she owed him?

A kiss, she would do. At this point she wouldn't be able to stop herself so she might as well give in gracefully. Maybe afterwards she could turn it around and make him think she was just toying with him.

Somehow.

"Call me kitten."

What?

_That_'s what he wanted?

It was all Kate could do not to laugh.

Crisis averted.

Again.

* * *

"Castle, what are you doing?"

Kate had recognized the firm grip when Castle had grabbed her wrist and pulled her towards him in a fast spin. He was lucky she had, or he would have been flipped over her shoulder faster than he could blink.

She hadn't been this close to him since the Christmas party. Sure, he had gotten up in her personal space and she in his, but not like this. The hand that held hers was warm, but the hand splayed across her back was sending continuous ripples of heat where his palm and fingers touched her bare skin.

The hand she had on his shoulder didn't help, either. She had grabbed his shoulder to keep her balance but as soon as she regained her footing she only allowed her fingertips the lightest contact. The desire to cup his shoulder with her hand, to see if it was as firm as his chest had been, was nearly overpowering.

But she hadn't spent these past weeks with Castle denying herself for nothing.

"Sorry, this is the only place I knew we could talk and not be overheard," Castle explained.

"Sure it is," Kate said dryly. If she didn't know better, she would think he knew the affect he had on her and was doing all of this on purpose. But even if he didn't know about that, there was still the way Kate knew she affected him. She wouldn't put it past him to use whatever excuse he could to touch her.

He started talking about the case, which was able to distract her from the feeling of being in his arms.

Almost.

Kate made a mental note-no more backless dresses.

Having Castle's hands on her bare skin, even if it was just her back, was way more temptation than Kate wanted to deal with on a regular basis.

Not even her walls would be able to withstand that for long.

* * *

**Off to write the next chapter. Let me know what you all think, okay? Thanks!**


	4. Chapter 4

**As promised, the next chapter. Warning, spoilers for 'Heat Wave' in this one.**

**Disclaimer: I wonder if we can invest in Castle like you can the stock market... Wouldn't that be awesome? But I doubt it.**

* * *

Kate liked to savor Castle's novels the first time she read them. She would light candles around the room, grab a glass of wine and fill up her tub with frothy cherry-scented bubbles. To make the book last a little longer, she only allowed herself to read until the water turned from hot to lukewarm, which usually gave her an hour. It took her an average of three evenings to read a story from start to finish. Last night had been her first with 'Heat Wave.' She had read up to the end of chapter six.

"There's a sex scene in the book?" Kate didn't know why she was so surprised. This was Castle, after all. Such scenes were common in his novels. But this was different. This was personal. "Between us?"

"There's a sex scene in the book between Nikki Heat and the roguishly handsome reporter who is helping her," Castle corrected her.

As if that made it any better. Nikki Heat was based on her; it was the whole reason he shadowed her. And Rook? Even if the reporter's disregard for rules and expressly given orders didn't give him away, the fact that the character's last name was the castle chess piece would have.

"Oh good, so he's nothing like you."

Except in every way possible.

* * *

Her eagerness to get away to find out exactly what Castle had written was mortifying, even if she was the only one aware of it. She told herself it was so she would know what she was up against once the teasing started.

It wasn't. She wanted to know, she _needed_ to know, how Castle imagined things would be between them.

After a moment of hesitation she grabbed her bag and hurried down to nearest precinct bathroom. Castle had already left, but she wasn't taking any chances. Once she had shut and locked the stall door she sat with her legs crossed on the commode, the bag in her lap. She took out the book, the bag all but forgotten as it fell with a soft thump onto the bathroom floor.

So where would it be? It had to have been after chapter six, since she'd already read that far. But would it be in the middle of the story, or towards the end?

Kate didn't like knowing things in advance with mystery novels, Castle's in particular-it would defeat the whole purpose of reading it-but she was willing to risk it for this.

"Ah ha!"

Kate gasped. She knew that voice; of course she did. Castle.

"Castle, what are you doing here?"

In the ladies restroom, for crying out loud!

"I knew you were reading it," he said with a satisfied smirk.

"I-wa-" Kate wanted to deny it, but the evidence was there in her hands.

Maybe he was just glad to have caught her reading his book since she had denied it so vehemently?

"It's on page 105, by the way." His eyes danced with sensual amusement as he looked down at her.

Or not.

"What?" Kate's voice was high-pitched, almost a squeak.

Yeah, he was really going to believe any denial she made now.

"That sex scene you're looking for." He was enjoying this way too much. "And Agent Grey was right; it's steamy."

"I wasn't-"

"See you tomorrow," he said.

Finally, he left.

Whistling.

This could be bad. Very bad. What if, in her eagerness to find out what he had written, she had revealed too much?

No, her secret was still safe. If he had known, he would have used it to his advantage.

Wouldn't he?

Regardless, she couldn't think about that now.

She had a sex scene to read.

Kate quickly turned to the correct page, her jaw dropping as the words jumped out at her.

_Their kisses were deep and urgent…._

They would have been, if they hadn't gotten interrupted. Kate sternly reminded herself that she was grateful; getting together with Castle would have ended in disaster and heartbreak.

_ One of his hands began to reach for her blouse…._

She knew just what his fingers would feel like.

_ …she let herself do a slow fallback, pulling him with her…._

Kate realized suddenly her fingers were starting to ache as she clutched the book, her fingernails digging into the pages.

_ They dove into each other again…._

She wished she had the freedom to just dive in. That she could have a friends with benefits type of situation like Nikki had with that guy, Don. But it just wasn't her to have casual affairs. And even if it had been, she could never handle such an emotionally detached arrangement with Castle.

_ Nikki stirred and began to unbutton his shirt…._

Kate was jealous. Of a fictional character. But the woman would get to see Rook's bare chest; she would never allow herself that luxury with Castle.

_ …ripped the blouse open…._

Would he actually do that?

_ …made a frenzied dive onto him…._

It was a good thing Castle had left, or she just might.

_ …she pounced on him…._

She wanted to, wished she could.

_ ….needing to feel every part of him she could touch…._

Kate shut her eyes and let out a slow, deep breath.

She had to make sure she never read this scene again.

Because his fantasy was nearly identical to hers.

* * *

Kate didn't even notice how close they were, intent on the pictures they were looking at that had just given them a break in the case.

Until Castle's breath caressed her cheek as he told her, 'You smell like cherries."

Their gazes locked when she turned to look at him.

The precinct was forgotten.

The case was forgotten.

Her mind went blank except for one thought: _Castle._

She glanced down at his lips.

So soft.

So close.

So accessible.

So-

Interrupted by Ryan.

"Are we interrupting something?" Esposito asked as he walked into the room a moment after Ryan.

"No," Kate insisted.

Nothing that shouldn't have been interrupted, anyway.

"Yes," Castle said at the same time.

"O-kay." Ryan's tone told Kate that he believed Castle.

Not that it mattered.

Another potential disaster avoided.

That was the important thing.

* * *

"Kate!"

She heard his desperate call but could only cough in response. The heat was intense, the smoke saturating the air she breathed.

"Kate, you're alive!"

Kate turned so that Castle would only see her back, but his, "Oh, and you're naked" reminded her that he could still see her bare backside.

_Really? Now?_ she thought, disgusted with herself as she felt her body's reaction to the possibility of Castle laying his eyes on her naked form.

"Castle, turn around!"

At least then she could focus on what was truly important-getting out of her burning apartment alive. And properly covered.

"You know, your apartment is on fire," Castle pointed out. "Now might not be the best time for modesty."

She wished that was the issue. If it had been anyone other than Castle who had found her, she really wouldn't care. But it _was_ Castle who had found her. She had done so well controlling her attraction to him for the last few months. All of that would be for nothing if he got a good look at her now. Her body's reaction to him was a major inconvenience at the moment, but there was nothing she could do. Not now, exposed like this.

"Castle, hand me a towel."

"The towels are on fire."

She wasn't going to give up that easily. "Well, what about the bathrobe?"

"The-do you have anything that's not flammable?"

"Castle!" She tried to put a note of command in her voice when she saw that he had turned back around as he spoke but it came out sounding more like a plea. He got the message anyway and turned back around.

"Sorry."

There had to be something-

"Give me your jacket." Finally, the clear tone of command was in her voice.

"Don't look," she reminded him.

"I'm not."

Watching carefully to make sure his face was turned, Kate stood and slipped her arms into the sleeves of the jacket, wrapping the garment around her naked form. Warmth enveloped her, as did the scent of his high-end cologne.

Her body's reaction worsened, sensitive to everywhere the jacket touched.

At least now she could keep him from seeing what the whole situation was doing to her.

"All right?" he asked.

"Yeah," she said and turned towards him.

"Okay," Castle said and held out his hands. Using his arm for support, Kate carefully started lifting one leg out over the tub.

"Can you walk?"

Kate let out a pained gasp as she lifted her other leg over the high edge of the tub. "Yeah, just a little banged up."

That's all she would need, to have Castle swing her up in his arms and carry her. The thought wasn't entirely unappealing but she was glad to be spared that indignity.

And the temptation.

She needed a distraction.

Immediately.

"Nice and easy," he cautioned her.

"Yeah," Kate agreed, leaning into him no more than necessary. His arms around her, the rest of his body so close to hers while she hobbled along, the jacket whispering against her with every step, was almost more than she could take. It was only the aches that seemed to be in every muscle of her body that kept her from doing something stupid.

"You in any pain?"

Kate gladly grasped the mental distraction that his question provided. She couldn't be too careful where Castle was concerned.

"Not nearly as much as you," she made the attempt to banter, her breathing a tiny bit labored. "It's killing you, isn't it?

"What?"

"Having to wait this long to tell me how you banged down the door."

"You want me to start from the beginning…?"

* * *

**So did I pick the right scenes from season 2? :) I was going to split this into two chapters but decided not to. Next time we'll be in season 3...**


	5. Chapter 5

**You can thank Natalie Elizabeth that this chapter is up early. In our most recent chat we discussed this story at length and she pointed out some ideas I had for upcoming scenes didn't really fit my theme and would bog down the story. So I have totally reworked the last chapter of this story, which I will be writing and should be posting tomorrow. If anyone wants to know they can PM or ask in a review what my original idea was but this will be MUCH better. And then I have a one shot I'll be hopefully writing on Sunday (my muse is insisting on this) and then it's my turn to write a chapter for Armed And Dangerous, a collab fic I'm writing with Celeste J Evans and SheWhoTangles, which I will write next weekend. (That last bit was more a reassurance for Celeste J. Evans than anything else but if you guys are curious please check it out. We are all having a blast writing it.. :) )**

* * *

"Hey, it's Castle."

The wobbly state of Kate's emotions toppled at Ryan's words. Joy and anger, anxiety and relief, frustration and peace all tumbled out in a jumbled mess. She wanted to hug him; she wanted to smack him. She wanted to throw something at him; she wanted to kiss him. She wanted to tell him he was no longer welcome at the precinct; she wanted to let him know how glad she was that he was back.

Castle had been gone for just over three months. That first night Kate had allowed herself to indulge in a good cry in the privacy of her apartment. After that, she had tried not to think about him and refused to talk about him. The boys and Lanie had quickly followed suit. All summer she had focused on keeping any and all emotions regarding Castle under tight control. As soon as the fall season officially began, however, she became increasingly tense. Emotions that had been wrestled into submission months ago once again surfaced, threatening to crash over her and sweep away her hard won acceptance of the way things had turned out.

A slight feeling of queasiness churning in her stomach, Kate turned her head in the direction of Ryan's gaze.

It _was _Castle. Except it wasn't.

Kate watched as a bookstore worker carried a life-sized cardboard cutout picture of Castle to the window that was only mere inches from where Kate, Ryan and Esposito stood.

She knew what that meant. Castle had a book signing scheduled there. It would be soon, since the store was at the point of doing their last big promotional push to draw in the crowds.

A slightly shuddering breath escaped as she looked into piercing blue eyes. It didn't matter that it wasn't really him. It was his eyes captured in that life-sized picture, his lips, his body.

It was him.

And yet it wasn't.

Kate was glad that her first glimpse of him after a summer apart didn't involve him directly. This was difficult enough. If she had to listen to his words too, it would be too much. And there would be the danger of him seeing too much, spinning a story that would get too close to the truth.

The 'Coming Soon' sign that the store worker hung on the cardboard confirmed Kate's suspicions.

"Guess he did finish that book," Ryan said, a hint of his own bruised feelings in his eyes.

Kate tore her gaze away from the eyes and looked down at the book cover 'Castle' was holding. Last year he had let a reporter read the novel inspired by her before she did. Now he was going to be reading it to a whole group of fans before she could get her hands on one.

He wasn't coming back.

She had served her purpose and he was done with her.

Just like the playboy she had first thought him to be.

He was contracted to write two more books but as Esposito had pointed out Castle had been able to do enough research to write fifty books.

Kate tried not to pay attention as Lanie and Esposito both voiced their own frustration with the author. Her own emotions were enough to deal with at the moment.

Kate sighed when a sign proclaiming "Meet The Author This Friday At 7:00pm" was placed beside the picture of Castle.

"Looks like he's back in town," Ryan said.

"Nice of him to call." Esposito's tone was blatantly sarcastic.

Kate couldn't take anymore.

Castle was done with them and they needed to be done with him.

It was time to move on.

The case. That's what they needed to focus on.

She was able to fool the boys, even Lanie.

But her eyes kept getting drawn back to the piece of cardboard as she started to walk away. And it didn't help that the same man who had brought the out the cause of her emotional turbulence chose that moment to move it.

It was watching her.

Following her.

Taunting her.

She knew the idea was crazy but it was how she felt.

Castle would say it was a sign from the universe.

Moving on may not be as easy as she thought.

* * *

"I love you."

_I love you, too._

The words leapt into her mind before she could stop them. At least she hadn't spoken out loud. Castle had spoken the words, but they weren't his. And they weren't meant for her.

But he had spoken them.

And he was looking directly at her.

A slight smile tugged on her lips as Kate thought of the perfect way to get them through this potentially awkward situation.

The thought vanished as soon as she saw the serious expression on his face, the intensity of his gaze.

If she didn't know better….

No.

Just no.

He didn't mean the words that weren't even his.

Which was a good thing.

It _was_.

Because neither of them was free.

And suddenly realizing that she wished things were different wasn't going to change that.

* * *

He was _kissing _her!

How could he? Kate knew she should probably be glad that Castle's interest in Natalie didn't really materialize until the woman copied Kate's own hair and outfit.

She wasn't.

If he was going to be kissing anyone, it should be her.

No, it should be Gina.

Yeah, Gina. His girlfriend.

As many faults as Castle had, Kate really hadn't thought cheating was one of them.

Watching them, Kate couldn't help thinking what it would be like if it was her in that elevator, pressing her lips to his, his arms slowly wrapping around her waist.

She could almost feel it, the strength of his arms, the moist warmth of his lips….

But if it was her it would never have happened.

* * *

"Is Castle gay?"

It was either choke on her coffee or spit it out. Of all of the possible questions Natalie could have asked her about Castle, that one had never crossed her mind.

"I'm sorry, what?" Was the woman blind? Or suffering some weird form of amnesia? "No." Kate shook her head at the absurdity of the idea. "No," she said again more forcefully. What could possibly make her think-?

"Then you two are an item and you're sworn to secrecy, right?" Natalie guessed next.

"No, we are not an item," Kate said, wondering where the actress was going with this line of questioning. "Why?"

"Last night, I invited him back to my place," Natalie began.

Kate _really _didn't want to hear this.

"And he said something to me I have never heard from a man before."

"What?" She didn't want to know but decided that it couldn't be worse than what her imagination could come up with.

"No."

Kate's brow arched in surprise. "No?"

"I don't get it," Natalie said. "He's into you, but you're determined not to give into these feelings you clearly have for him-"

Clearly? How clearly? And to whom? Just Natalie or…?

"So he fantasizes about you through his writing."

There was probably at least some truth in that. When Natalie went on to say that she needed to sleep with Castle in the name of character research, Kate had heard enough.

But Natalie kept going. "Can you talk to him?"

"And say what, exactly?"

"I don't know, give him permission or something."

_Permission?_

It was official, the woman was certifiably crazy.

Castle would probably say that the sex would be incredible.

"Uh…I…" Kate sighed. There was no good way to respond to a request like that. Other than getting the heck out of there. "I need to go...over there," Kate said, pointing to where the rest of her team was gathered. After grabbing her coffee Kate made the quickest exit possible.

* * *

"Do I really do that?" Kate asked Castle later that day as they both watched Natalie from a safe distance as the actress pretended to study the murder board.

"Yes, and it's adorable."

Kate's heart warmed at the thought of Castle thinking something she did was 'adorable.'

But was he saying she was adorable?

Or that Natalie was?

"If it's so adorable why didn't you sleep with me?" Kate muttered. "Her me, not me, me," she clarified when Castle remained silent.

"Oh. Well, a fictional character that I wrote, based on you, played by Natalie Rhodes? It's just…way too meta."

Meta?

_That_ was his reason?

Not Gina.

Not a lack of interest in Natalie.

Not because he'd rather be with her, Kate.

The man lived with meta every day. The reality of their partnership, the fiction of the books he wrote inspired by that partnership….

So what was his real reason?

As much as she knew Gina should be the reason, Kate couldn't deny, to herself at least, that she wished that she herself was the reason.

* * *

**Only one chapter to go...fair warning, it could get a bit long. Maybe.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Okay guys, this is a long one. I debated breaking it up into two chapters but I couldn't decide where. If one of you has a suggestion for that, I may change it later. But for now, here it is. I REALLY tried to keep them in character in this. I THINK I did, I HOPE I did. As per usual, the story took a few small unexpected turns. I had one way I saw the last part going and Castle would not 100% cooperate. Oh well, my original idea probably WAS a little too OOC for Castle, anyway. That small part, anyway.**

**I need to send out a HUGE thank you to Natalie Elizabeth. If it wasn't for her this chapter STILL wouldn't be done. My muse was giving me fits and Natalie was ready and willing to give me suggestions whenever I needed them. Some of the dialogue at the precinct comes straight from her, although I think I tweaked it a bit. Thankfully she never minds when I do that. :) **

**And equally important-Happy Castle birthday to Celeste J. Evans, for whom this story was written. A Christmas AND a birthday present. The next chapter for A&D is next on my list. Sheesh, BOTH Natalie Elizabeth and Celeste J. Evans have had Castle Monday birthdays this year. The one downside to having a summer birthday is I will NEVER have a Castle birthday. Sigh. Oh well, it does give me something to look forward to during the grueling summer hiatus. :)**

* * *

Now was not the time for her to be thinking about how good it felt to be so close to Castle. Ryan and Esposito were in very real danger of being killed. That needed to be her focus. And it was. But Kate couldn't resist the urge to snuggle even closer to her partner.

It took only a couple seconds for her to realize the ruse wasn't working. The muscle man guarding the door to where Ryan and Esposito were being held was walking towards them with a mix of skepticism and murderous intent in his eyes.

"He's not buying it, Castle," she said quietly enough for only Castle to hear but in a laughing tone so as not to raise the guard's suspicions even more.

She was going to have to take the man out. There was no other way.

Still laughing to keep up the pretense Kate stepped away from Castle and moved her hand to the gun at her hip. As soon as she had the steel at her fingertips she felt Castle's hand on her wrist. His grip was firm and he resisted when she started to pull the gun from its holster. Kate could have fought him but that would have completely blown their cover.

What was going on in that writer's mind of his? What story was he weaving to get them out of this mess?

Kate had her answer when she felt Castle's other hand cup her cheek, his fingers tangled in her hair. She was barely able to keep herself from trembling at the shock of the unexpected contact. It was too similar to how he had touched her all those years ago when she had been nothing more than a masked stranger to him. If he hadn't felt the need to keep her from reaching for her gun Kate knew that the position of his hands would have been exactly the same as when they had stood together under that mistletoe.

His eyes didn't ask her for permission this time. Instead, they pleaded with her to trust him.

Which she did.

It was her own issues with self-control where Castle was concerned that worried her. She would have to be very careful that she didn't get swept up in the moment and lose her focus.

It was too late for a backup plan. She would just have to go with it and hope that she was strong enough to resist the temptation that Castle was unknowingly presenting to her.

He didn't sweep her up in a passionate embrace as she had been expecting. Instead, his lips gently but determinedly moved over hers. She could feel the desperation in his touch when he drew an arm around her, his hand splayed between her shoulder blades.

It was getting difficult to think straight. Her mind told her to pull back, to take a break. It took her a moment to remember why. Her body pleaded for just a few more seconds.

That told her what she needed to do.

She forced herself to break off the kiss and put at least a few inches of distance between them.

"You-" Castle started to whisper. His gaze bore into hers with a stunned intensity. "You were the-"

Kate glanced over at the guard who was close enough now to hear anything they said, even if they spoke in soft whispers. If she didn't move to stop him Castle would give them away and they would all be dead.

She had to distract him. Castle this time, not the guard. Her partner was good under pressure but she knew he hadn't been expecting this. If she had known the full extent of what he was planning she would have warned him.

Kate knew a soft, gentle kiss wouldn't work this time. Giving Castle no time to protest she leaned in and claimed his lips, taking control of the kiss. Taking what she wanted, what she needed.

Him.

At least she had an excuse this time.

She didn't know _how _she was going to explain her reaction to the first time they kissed just a little over three years ago.

Her lips firmly engaged with Castle's, Kate chanced another glance at the guard. He seemed to be buying it this time.

Good. That meant it was time to-

Kate was going to pull away. She _was_. But then Castle stepped slightly back and Kate followed him, pressing her lips even more firmly against his. It would have been a good time to end the kiss. But she couldn't handle Castle being the one to pull away. Having to pull away from him herself would be enough of an unpleasant jolt to her system.

Any thoughts of the kiss ending fled from her mind when Castle took her lower lip between his and grazed it with his teeth before biting down just long enough for her to register what he had done. The soft moan that reached her ears startled her, because she realized it was her own.

Now she really needed to end it before she lost whatever control she had left. But then Castle's hands were in her hair, both of them this time. Memories of a similar touch from Castle had haunted her over the years almost as much as the feeling of his lips on hers.

A mocking, satisfied chuckle from the guard gave Kate just what she needed to resist the urge to completely give in to her longing for Castle. Keeping an eye on the other man as she pulled away from Castle enough so that their lips were barely touching, she waited for her chance.

Once the guard's back was turned Kate didn't waste any time. Removing her hand from where it had been on Castle's shoulder she reached for her gun and whirled around, hitting the man in the back of the head hard enough to render him unconscious. She watched as the guard crumpled to the ground, stepping back so he didn't land on her booted feet.

"That was amazing."

The awed murmur of her partner caused anxiety to twist deep in Kate's stomach. She slowly turned her head and reluctantly met his gaze.

"Exactly the same," he continued.

"Not _exactly _the same."

Kate realized her error a second too late.

"It _was _you," he said, her words obviously confirming his suspicions. His eyes narrowed in an accusing glare as he took a step towards her. "You know. You have known. How_ long_ have you known?"

Kate didn't know what to say. She needed to explain, somehow. But this wasn't the time.

"Castle, we can't deal with this now. We need to go."

Kate was relieved when Castle didn't argue. Esposito and Ryan were their main concern now. Anything else would have to wait until later.

Much later.

* * *

"Beckett, can we talk?"

"We are talking, Castle." For the last five minutes he had been griping about how boring paperwork was and she had been telling him, in various ways, that he could just go home.

"Not about-"

"Not now, Castle," she quickly cut him off. She couldn't have him mentioning the kiss at the precinct. She inwardly shuddered at the thought of what would happen if anyone caught wind of it. "I have work to do."

"If not now, when?"

Kate sighed and rubbed her fingers over her right eyebrow, tying to ward of the headache that was threatening to develop.

"I don't know, Castle. Later."

"You said later two days ago."

Kate was surprised that he had let it go for that long. "Yeah well, some of us have these pesky little things called jobs."

"And some of us need to understand what's going on."

"Paperwork, Castle. I would think it was obvious."

"Kate…"

What was _that_? Kate wasn't sure she had ever heard him speak in that tone before. It was deep and husky and sent a shiver down her spine. It was probably how he would sound when he-

Kate bit back a groan. She had been doing so well. Surprisingly well, considering that the feeling of Castle's lips on hers was no longer a distant memory. And considering that she had nothing but paperwork to occupy her time at the precinct since the last case wrapped up.

With a stern reminder to herself that jumping Castle at the precinct was _not _a good idea, Kate snapped, "Not now, Castle!" When she saw a flash of hurt cross his face she softened her tone. "It's just not a good time, Castle."

"It will never be a good time," Castle said as he rose from his chair and grabbed his coat, "will it, Kate? This is just going to be another one of those things we don't talk about."

He knew her too well. She _had _hoped to put him off until he just decided to drop it. Talking about feelings had never been something Kate had been comfortable with. It came so easily for him; he was a writer. Words were everything to him.

But the words he had just spoken told her that, as much as it pained him, he was going to let it go.

Kate knew she should be relieved and take the out that he was offering, however reluctantly. It was what she had decided, after hours of tossing and turning until the wee hours of the morning after the kiss. Kisses.

It's what her mind had decided, she now realized. Apparently her heart had other plans. Because she couldn't do it this time. Kissing Castle again had made fighting the attraction she had for the man, as well as all of the tangled feelings she had been wrestling with for years, all but impossible.

"We _will _talk, Castle," she promised. "Soon."

Now just really _wasn't _a good time.

"Why should I believe you?" Castle wanted to know. "You haven't wanted to talk about it for over three years."

Kate glanced at her watch. "And I can't now." She heard the soft ding of the elevator and looked up. Josh was right on time.

"Kate, you ready to go?" he asked when he'd approached her desk.

She didn't allow herself to look at Castle as she stood and slipped into her jacket that Josh had already taken from the back of her chair and held out to her. "Yeah," she said softly.

Walking away from Castle was one of the most difficult things she had ever had to do.

But she knew she was doing the right thing.

* * *

Castle wasn't there when she returned to the precinct a little over an hour and a half later. Kate knew he had probably gotten the wrong idea, the worst possible idea. But with Josh right there, and with all three of them being in the middle of the bullpen, she hadn't been able to explain.

She hadn't been sure how to explain.

As she had been expecting, Josh tried to kiss her as soon as the elevator doors closed. She couldn't do it. The lips were wrong. She had turned her head but even feeling his lips on her cheek had been too much. She had immediately tensed and pulled away, which hadn't been lost on the man she had been dating for almost half a year.

They hadn't even made it out of the precinct parking garage. He had demanded to know what was going on and she had known it was time. He was a good man, a great man. But a relationship with him just wasn't enough. It would never be enough. And he deserved someone who wanted him because she loved him, not because he was 'safe.'

Kate hadn't felt like eating so she just took a long walk in a vain attempt to sort out her thoughts. The only thing that was clear to her by the time she stepped into the elevators at the ground floor of the precinct was that she hadn't broken up with Josh for Castle.

Well, not exactly.

She had dissolved the relationship because she knew it hadn't been fair to either of them. And while a part of her wanted to dive into things with Castle, a larger part needed time, needed space.

But not at the expense of whatever it was she had with Castle.

* * *

Kate didn't know what to do, so she decided not to do anything. At least, not for a while. This was Castle. Chances were that he would be back within a week, respecting her wish to act like none of it had ever happened. The sliver of disappointment that brought to her, that he wouldn't push the issue, annoyed her. She didn't need him to push anything. She needed him to step back and be the easy-going man he was in all but the most extreme of circumstances. That's what she was hoping for, what she could even go so far as to say she was counting on. It would give her the space she needed until she was ready to dive into things with Castle.

And she would be ready.

Eventually.

The knock at her door at just after 8:00pm didn't really come as a surprise. Evidently Castle wasn't going to wait a week, or even a whole twenty-four hours. Or even twelve. He had probably just needed the time to cool off and to accept yet one more thing they weren't going to be talking about.

It didn't take Kate long to realize how wrong she was.

"I can't do it, Kate," were the first words out of his mouth, spoken as soon as she had let him into her apartment and closed the door behind him.

"Castle-"

Kate wasn't sure what he was referring to. She was hoping he meant that he couldn't put the undercover kisses under the 'never talk about' category. She could live with that. But if he meant that he couldn't shadow her anymore….

"No, Kate," Castle cut her off, surprising her by putting his hands on her shoulders. The unexpected action made her tense for an instant before she forced herself to relax. "We need to talk. I _need _us to talk. This has gone on long enough."

Long enough? What was he talking about?

"Castle, it's only been a few days-"

"Days? Try years, Kate."

Years?

"You think this is about what we had to do to rescue Ryan and Esposito, don't you?" Castle shook his head. "It's not. That didn't tell me anything I haven't already figured out a long time ago. Except for the fact that you've been lying to me. For _three _years, Kate!"

He had to be kidding. All of this over a kiss they had shared before they had even met?

"I didn't lie to you, Castle," Kate protested. "How could I? You didn't even know until a few days ago."

"A lie of omission is still a lie, Kate."

Kate rolled her eyes. Writers and their words. "Castle, that was three years ago."

"Exactly. Three _years_."

"So what? Yes, we kissed. We didn't even know each other then. It's not a big deal." Okay, now she was lying. But it shouldn't be a big deal, not to him. He had kissed a bunch of women before that night and a bunch since. Not that she wanted to think about that right now. "Why bring it up now?"

"Because you lied, Kate. And you're still lying."

"Castle-"

"No, Kate. I want the truth. I _need _the truth. The level of miscommunication between us has gotten ridiculous. We're supposed to be partners, friends. The most important thing in any friendship, a relationship of any kind, is trust. I can't trust you, and you obviously don't trust me, if you can't be honest with me."

Castle thought she didn't trust him? How could he possibly think that? Of course she trusted him. She trusted him more than anyone.

"Castle, I _do _trust you. It's just…"

"Just what, Kate?"

What could she say? What _should_ she say? She was in danger of being far too vulnerable around the one man she wanted, _needed_, to see her as strong. Because if he knew how much he meant to her, he could use that against her. He could tear her heart to shreds without even trying.

Kate let out a soft gasp. She _didn't _trust him.

How could she not trust him? He had proven to himself over and over again how worthy he was of her trust.

This was _Castle_. Kate _knew _how he was with the people he cared about. The wonderful father he was to Alexis. The doting son he was to his mother. And her? Castle had been there for her times too numerous to count, from running into a burning building to save her to backing her up when she went rogue to try to solve her mother's case.

The problem wasn't Castle. It was her, and her inability to trust.

Anyone.

With the most vulnerable part of her there was: her heart.

"Kate?" His tone had gone soft with concern. "I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't have-"

"No!" Kate grasped his wrists in a vice grip. "Castle, you're right. I don't trust you. Well, I do, but not with-"

"Your heart?" Castle smiled gently at her. "Kate, did you think I didn't know that? Why do you think I've waited so long, just being there for you, giving you space when you needed it, pushing when you didn't?"

"Because we're friends?"

"But that's not all we are, is it?"

"Of course not. We're partners."

"Kate." He sighed. "I know opening up is difficult for you and you'll never be one to tell me every thought that goes through that brilliant mind of yours, but please, don't insult me, don't insult _us_._"_

"Us? Castle, there is no-"

"You're not going to stop, are you?" Castle lifted a hand to her cheek, brushing it briefly with the back of his fingers before dropping his hand to his side.

"Josh-"

"Was an attempt to hide behind a relationship with a man you don't love," Castle said. "And he's gone, isn't he?"

Kate's eyes widened slightly at that. "How did-?"

"You told Lanie-"

"Who told Esposito-" Kate nodded.

"Whom I overheard talking to Ryan," Castle confirmed.

"Castle, I was going to tell you, I just-"

"Needed time, I know. I wasn't even going to bring it up." He dropped the hand that had still been on her shoulder so that both were at his sides, his hands clenched into slight fists. "Kate, this isn't about my love for you and it's not about your love for me."

_Love_? Did she hear him right? Did Richard Castle just admit that he loved her?

And he knew that she loved him? How could he know that? _She_ didn't even-

Okay, now she was lying to herself. She did know, even if the realization was incredibly recent. As recent as when he had called their most recent kisses 'amazing.'

"This isn't about pushing you into something you're not ready for," Castle continued as if he hadn't just dropped a bombshell of epic proportions. "I just need you to be honest with me. I can accept when you can't talk about something."

"Except for what happened before we ever even met," Kate said with a wry grin.

"I just need to know why you lied," Castle said. "That's it. I can drop the rest of it, if you want."

Kate arched a brow. "The rest of it?"

Castle nodded. "The similarities of your responses-"

"Hey, you didn't respond much differently, either," Kate was quick to point out, realizing a second to late what she had just admitted.

But Castle wasn't smirking. Instead his smile was gentle, accepting.

"So that's it?" Kate challenged.

"That's it," Castle agreed. "So…why did you?"

Could she do this? Could she tell him?

"Because I didn't trust you," Kate finally admitted. "Can you blame me, at least in the beginning? As far as I knew you were this rich playboy who would have had a good laugh over it when to me it was-"

Crap. She hadn't stopped herself soon enough.

"It was what, Kate?"

He wouldn't let it go, she knew. And even if he did, she wasn't sure that's what she wanted anymore.

"Amazing," she whispered.

"It was," he agreed with a soft smile. "What about later? After you got to know me, when you realized I'm not really like the media makes it look? You couldn't possibly think I would have made light of it then. I never would have, not even in the beginning. Not that kiss, not with you."

"Castle, I don't think I can-" She wanted to tell him but over a decade of hiding her feelings and a lifetime with difficulties of expressing herself verbally wasn't going to change overnight. No matter what happened, she was never going to have the same ease with verbalizing her feelings that Castle seemed to.

"You didn't want to risk me realizing that you want me as much as I want you." It shocked Kate how there wasn't a hint of mockery or smugness in his tone, merely compassion and understanding. "Except I already knew."

"How-?"

"I suspected when you blushed when I kissed you after giving you the signed copy of 'Storm Fall.' I knew you weren't the type to blush over nothing. And when you wouldn't even _pretend_ to be married to help solve a case?" He snorted. "Dead giveaway. It was just a harmless little story and yet you reacted like I was about to drag you off to Vegas. And when I told you to never, ever, call me kitten? I knew what you thought I was going to say. And I even had a suspicion that you might have agreed to it."

"To what?" Kate's tone cracked like a whip.

"A kiss, Kate, just a kiss," Castle assured her. "I wouldn't ask anything more of any woman, least of all you."

"Why 'least of all me'?"

"Because you're not that type of girl," Castle said. "And as much as I may joke about it, I'm not the type of guy who would want that type of girl."

"What about Ellie Monroe?" Kate asked, referring to the woman who had slept with him in hopes of getting the role of Nikki Heat when Heat Wave was slated to be made into a movie.

Castle winced. "A huge error in judgment, I admit it. I thought she was interested in my body, not my professional contacts. Won't be making _that _mistake again."

Kate couldn't argue with that. He hadn't dated an actress since, not that she knew of. Not even Meredith had been back in New York since months before the Ellie Monroe incident.

"You know when I really knew, though?" Castle steered them back to their previous topic. "When I caught you searching for the sex scene in 'Heat Wave.'"

Kate scoffed. "I could have just been arming myself so I'd know what teasing I would have to deal with at the 12th."

"You could have been," Castle said. "But you weren't."

"What makes you so sure?"

"Because of how embarrassed you were when I caught you. You were adorable. If you weren't interested, you would have been mad, not embarrassed. Although you're cute when you're mad, too…"

Kate didn't know what to say. She couldn't deny anything Castle had said, not without lying. And she found she didn't want to lie to him, not anymore.

"Is that why?" Castle asked a minute of silence.

Unable to get words past her suddenly tight throat, Kate nodded.

"I can accept that," Castle told her. "No pressure, Kate. This can go as fast or as slow as you want. Or not at all, if that's what you _really _want. Is it?"

"What about no pressure?" Kate teased, his words loosening the knot of anxiety that had started to take up residence within her.

"You're right," Castle said. He leaned towards her and gave her a soft kiss on her forehead before heading for the door. "See you tomorrow?" he asked, looking over his shoulder at her, his hand on the doorknob.

"That's it?" Kate asked before she could stop herself.

Castle froze and slowly turned. "Unless you want more."

"I-"

Castle slowly made his way back over to her. "Kate, do you want more?"

"I-" She couldn't make herself say the words. She wanted more, desperately. But she couldn't tell him. She didn't know if she could stand it if he left without being able to feel his arms around her again, his lips on hers.

"Castle," was all she could get out, her voice full of frustration. At herself, not him.

But what if he didn't understand? What if he thought she was irritated at him for pushing, thinking she needed space?

"Ca-" she started to get out, hating the pleading note in her voice. But she couldn't do it. She couldn't get her lips to form the words and she couldn't get her feet to move.

When his arms came around her a moment later, his lips lightly touching hers the moment after that, Kate knew she didn't have to say anything. He didn't move to deepen the kiss, leaving the choice up to her. Grateful that even now he wasn't trying to push her to give more than she was ready for, Kate gave herself the freedom to explore, leisurely moving her lips across his, taking in the strong arms around her, the warm hands resting lightly on her back. His lips were so soft, not taking but giving, asking for nothing in return.

She wanted to give. She wanted to give him even more than she was ready for.

For now she would have to be content giving what she could realistically handle.

She pulled back slightly to whisper against his lips. "I've always wanted you, Castle. From that first kiss."

"You can have whatever you want, Kate."

"You, Castle. Just you."

* * *

**Well, there it is. And I worked REALLY hard to not make Josh a bad guy in this. Celeste J. Evans likes him, as a character, but not with Kate. She's still totally a Caskett shipper, don't worry. She just doesn't like Josh bashing, so I made sure to put him in a positive light in this.**


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